The Village

It takes a lot of people to take a few days away with my husband. 

Erin helped with the Pomegranate on Tuesday as she has some downtime between her two dance classes. (She takes a ballet from 4-5:30 and then a jazz class which is new at our studio) from 7:45-8:30. 

I love these pictures above because: Erin is the cleanest person I know and check out that laundry on her bed :) 

(To be fair, they are planning to move across the world in two weeks so life is a bit chaotic.) 

And then their Loki dog. Craziest dogs ever she has … that picture is classic “Alien Dog.”

We all need a village

“The Village” refers to a few other people who have these characteristics: 

1. They care deeply about your growth, maturation, and healing. 

2. They are more mature than you and stronger than you. They have done their own work of healing and maturation. 

3. They are eager to respond to you by providing comfort, care, and guidance. 

4. They are willing to make themselves available to you when you need them. 

When we come into the world, we are designed to anticipate the presence of “The Village.” We anticipate 2-3 people will be in our lives who me these criteria for us and that they will always be there for us. 

When “The Village” is not there for us when we are growing up, we begin to isolate on our own to figure out life and figure out healing. We can’t feel Belonging — true Belonging evades us. This is because true Belonging is about knowing there are people there for us. 

This carries over to the concept of Elders. Most modern cultures lack Elders. An Elder is someone who knows how to handle their power. They are warriors who know that they have power and that their power is intended to be used on behalf of the community, particularly on behalf of the wounded. 

Most of us are waiting for “The Village” to appear so we can fully acknowledge our sorrows. Or so that we can acknowledge all of our emotions and fully tell all of our stories. We are waiting to risk speaking candidly about our heartaches and pains. 

Imagine the relief that would flood our whole being if we knew that when we are in the grip of sorrow, our village will respond to our need. Anytime you needed comfort, care or guidance, “The Village” would show up immediately and help us through the hard things. What if you didn’t have to figure out healing by yourself? 

If you don’t have a Village, persist in looking. Don’t give up. This may mean you being unhealthy relationships. Find or develop a small community of like-minded warriors to help you engage your story. Grit and persistence will take you farther than you can imagine. 

You don’t need to tell NO ONE and you don’t need to tell EVERY ONE!

Make Sense of Your Story — Adam Young

While the parents are away …

John and I are away for a few days having the time of our lives! We are so blessed to have JB’s amazing parents around to help with life. And. Amazing Anni took girls to church for me on Sunday!

In church I am sure Abigail was off with her friends, but Pomegranate hung out with Zach and Erin. 

Then Anni took the girls for a lunch at Pals. 

On Monday, Grama took the kids yo co-op. Nichole Gray sent me a pic oh Pomegranate getting to hold a bunny. 



And Tante Jan sent me this pic. I’m not sure what’s happening here. 

Abigail also told me that after turning in their research papers, Ms. Catherine took them outside to blow bubbles. What an amazing life lesson. 

Kim Anderson: How to Stay Calm When Your Kids Won't

I recently had the opportunity to host a "Webinar" with my counselor/therapist KIM ANDERSON with Elevate Moms.

We are all trying to figure out motherhood. Kim is now an empty nester in the Nashville area and Elevate Moms attempts to support women with group coaching.

We are often dysregulated. And our kids are getting dysregulated as well. What do we do with that dysregulation? How do we stop it? And how do we stop it from eeeeking it out onto our kiddos?

We are in a new generation of children. The smartphone has, truly, thrown-up all over all of us. Kim recommend a book entitled: Anxious Generation as we combat statistics like:

• Clinical depression levels among 12-17 years old doubled between 2011 and 2019. 
• Anxiety rates indicate 1 in 4 children struggle with anxiety.

As moms we feel non-enough-ness, shame ... and Kim is going to share TWO big tools that can help us as moms. 

Tool #1: WINDOW OF TOLERANCE

When we are in our "Window of Tolerance", we are regulated. We can live out the fruits of the spirit and stay kind and give feedback kindly. Wouldn't it be great if we could live there all the time?

Unfortunately, when we get dysregulated, we end up OUT of our Window. You are always in one of the following three places:

HYPERAROUSAL 7-10 (angry, irritable, blaming, yelling)

WINDOW OF TOLERANCE 4-6 THE IDEAL PLACE THAT WE WANT TO BE!

HYPOAROUSAL 1-3 (feeling empty or numb, detached, just scrolling or zoning out)

Our goal is to WIDEN our "Window of Tolerance." Unfortunately, when we've experienced trauma in our past, our WOT gets much smaller due to all the things that we have had to store in our bodies over the years. We want to be able to handle hard things and not get triggered as easily. 

Our Amygdalia is always scanning for threats, however. It is trying to keep us safe. 

Why does all this matter? Because if we are dysregulated, our kids are dysregulated! If we are out of our WOT, then our kids are out of their WOT. When kids are born, all they can do is cry. Our job as parents is to hold them and soothe them and rock them and to give them our calm. Our job is to give them our regulation. Our children pick up on our dysregulation and can actually cause them more dysregulation.

From "Cradle to Grave" we, as parents, set the tone for our child's nervous system. This is a lot of pressure (although we only have to get it right 33% of the time! More on that in a minute!)

Imagine your daughter Sara goes to school and is always with her BFF Kaitlin. But when you pick her up from school one particular day, you can see she is upset. When you pick up your little cub and see that she is sad, you find yourself immediately feeling out of your WOT. You see she is upset and you want to talk about it because YOU want to get into your WOT. But you have to wait for her to be ready to talk about it. She tells you that her BFF has left her and is hanging out with other people, and she had to eat her lunch in the bathroom, and her BFF is going to a sleepover and your daughter is not invited. 

When we are a regulated parent, we handle it something like this. "Honey, I am so sorry. That is so difficult when you feel alone. Hey, let's go grab dinner and watch a show and just hang out with the two of us." You are showing up and helping her be regulated through your regulation. What you want to do is call Kaitlin's mom and chew her out. But your child needs your regulation to regulate herself. 

Our children should never have to manage our emotions for us. Our kids aren't supposed to be carrying the weight of our pain and our hurt and our anger. Now, here is the good news. We only have to get it right about 33% of the time. You can mess things up 70% of the time. This is based on many different research sources. 

Part of the reason we get out of our WOT is because we put this pressure on ourselves that we have to be perfect parents and get it just right. With the grace of Jesus and the fact that we get to be humans, we do get to mess it up. 

The magical thing that makes this okay is REPAIR. We are modeling for our kids what restoration looks like. You are the perfect imperfect parent for your child. We can apologize and share about Jesus' forgiveness when we do get out of our WOT. 

Here are some great ways to get regulated:

• Breathing (Triangle breathing is inhaling for 4 seconds, holding 4 seconds, and breathing out for 8 seconds.) The exhaling really gets us regulated. If your child hangs out in hyporegulation, then you want to reverse it and inhale for 8 seconds, hold for 4, and let it out for 4. 
• Laughter (Watch some comedy)
• Music (Use the opposite type of music for your mood)
• Reaching out
• Taking a bath
• Butterfly tapping (Crossing your arms over your chest and tapping uses both sides of your brain)
• Reading a book
• Exercising  
• Journaling
• Going for a drive
• Changing scenery 

It takes TWENTY minutes for the body to reset. However, most of us want to solve the problems within those twenty minutes. Somewhere along the way we learned that we had to handle it in that moment. Buy time! Give yourself twenty minutes to calm down. 

With older kids and younger kids, you'll have to do different things to buy yourself those twenty minutes. 

Here are our goals:

• What are your triggers? 
• What are things that push you out of your WOT? 
• What are signs that you are in the WOT?
• What are signs that you are hyperaroused? Hypoaroused?
• We want to be able to identify which window we are in. 
• Use S.O.S. (Stop. Observe. Shift.) Stop what you are doing. Observe what is going on. And Shift behavior to change what is happening. 
• Take the twenty minutes to get regulated. (There is only a 6% chance of handling conflict well when we are out of our WOT.) 
• Try to parent when you are IN your WOT. If you aren't in your WOT, buy time!
• Pay attention to the "Shark Music" that is playing in the background -- this is the tune that you here all the time when things are going badly: your shame narrative. 
• When you make mistakes, REPAIR with your spouse or your children. 
• Technology really aids in our dysregulation! Use the attached guide for more about handling that in your family.
  

Our femur bones don't get strengthened if we only swim or cycle. You actually need that pressure and impact to make the bones stronger. You need ruptures and impact to heal. You need to go back and repair. 

It is NEVER too late to repair. If you have wounds with your own parents, if they were willing to repair NOW -- even though you are an adult -- it would be incredibly healing. It doesn't have to be fancy or elaborate. It is just acknowledging your mistakes. 

You also need to have consequences when your child breaks a family rule. For example, when you say "We are taking 20" and they refuse, there needs to be a consequence. (1) What is your vision for your family? (2) What are our family values? (3) What rules do we need to have in our home that protect these values?

Without a consequence, there is no boundary. It is just a preference. 

We parent based on our mood and energy level and that creates anxiety in our kids. When they go to school, the rules are posted on the wall, and they are very clear. We want to run our homes like that. We create structure and safety and rhythm and routine when we do that.

 

Excerpt from "Make Sense of Your Story"

It appears that, for many people, wishing you were dead because you are overwhelmed by pain is part of life with God. It doesn't last forever, but it's real and it happens, and there's nothing unChristian about it. In fact, wanting to die is often part of the stories of people who love God.

The laments that fill the book of Job (and there are plenty of them) along with laments in other parts of scripture, give you permission to feel. And if you are a Christian, chances are you need that permission -- specifically to feel your so called negative emotions. If you are going to explore your story, you need to feel your anger, fear, and sadness. What is keeping you from feeling these feelings?

What if you prayed your feelings? Not only does the book of Job give us permission to feel, but it also gives us permission to talk with God -- candidly -- about our feelings. Job invites us to pray our feelings. To pray your feelings is to pre-reflectively pour out your feelings to God. This means pour them out before you have reflected upon your feelings and judged them as good or bad. To pray your feelings means to pour them out to God before editing your words. When was the last time you poured out your feelings to God without first making them appropriate for expression to a holy God or consistent with some sort of theology? More specifically, when was the last time you poured out your sadness to God?

If you are not regularly pouring out your anger, fear, and sadness to God, there is a reason for that. Nothing is more hardwired into the human heart than the tendency to run to someone bigger and stronger than you for help when you are in need. If you have stopped running toward someone stronger than you and stopped expressing your sadness, fear, or anger, your story will help you understand why you have stopped. Your story holds the reason. What do you need to begin running to God again and pouring out your feelings? You did this automatically as a five-year-old with your Mom or Dad, or you would have if they were available to you. 

When did you stop doing this with God?

Spiritual Bypassing

I recently stumbled upon something on Instagram. I don't know how to attribute it, but I will say it was on the abistumvoll and justinstumboll pages. They were talking about SPIRITUAL BYPASSING and this really explained what I have done most of my life in response to pain. 

Spiritual bypassing is using spiritual beliefs or practices to bypass:

• Pain
• Trauma
• Life's challenges

Spiritual bypassing produces what appears to be a very simple answer to complex human problems. 

Spiritual bypassing tells us:

• "You just need to pray more."
• "You. just need to forgive and it will all be good."
• "You just haven't been thankful enough lately."

Spiritual bypassing creates a world where you can't get the love and healing of God to the wounds that need it. Instead of acknowledging that there is a wound, it builds a bridge over the wound to try and avoid the wound entirely. And this just means that the wound festers and blisters and gets more and more infected until you have to go to the hospital.

Spiritual bypassing is a road to inauthentic living. Authentic living says, "I will not use spirituality to bypass this, but I'll use spirituality to pass through it." I'm going to come face-to-face with the reality of my human experience, and I'm going to use the truth of spirituality to actually face it, engage it, engage life and people, and walk through the process to the other side where wholeness is revealed."

Spiritual bypassing is birthed from the place of  "I feel so uncomfortable in pain myself, that I can't handle when you're in pain so I want to do or say or believe something that can help me get away from pain as fast as possible."

Let's say I feel uncomfortable in life so I decide to be like, "Well, God is good. You just have to trust that it will all work out" because I don't want to face my uncertainty or discomfort or fear."

Or you might be sharing grief with me, and I am so uncomfortable about your grief because I don't know how to hold it for you or for me so instead I just say, "Well, that person is in a better place." 

Spiritual bypassing is saying, "I don't know how to sit with the fact that there is loss and rejection and abandonment and heartache in life."

But by bypassing pain, we are stuck in more pain. 

This is what I have decided to change in my life! I will no longer avoid pain! I will bring that pain to Jesus and let him sit with me in my pain because only through grief and going through the pain can you heal from the pain! 

Wow! Wow! Wow!

This is what I have been doing for the last year. And I will continue to do it and to do it with others!